‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’: Tequila, Tamra’s tatas, and more tequila

Here’s the bare truth of it: In the episode of “The Real Housewives of Orange County” that aired on Monday, July 30, the main thing that happened was that Tamra Judge, a 50-year-old grandmother, spent most of her screen time naked, or at least it seemed that way.

Tamra danced on a bar in Puerto Vallarta and flashed the crowd. Tamra encouraged Shannon Beador to “show your (breasts) once in a while” if she wants to get a guy, and whipped hers out to Shannon how.

Tamra got buck naked in the jaccuzi in the penthouse where she and Shannon and Vicki Gunvalson were vacationing in Mexico, jumps in and out of the hot tub three or four times, slips on the wet tile of the suite and fell down in her birthday suit, before running back to jump into the jaccuzi again … and broke her foot.

Tamra has four adult children but only brought the twins with her to Mexico, which, hey, she paid for them, or maybe one of her three husbands did, so why not take ’em on vacation?

Here’s what else we saw on Monday’s episode titled “Tres Amigos” in honor of the three oldest members of “The Real Housewives of Orange County.”

Tears: Only 2 times!

It seemed like the waterworks would drench this episode since before a minute had aired Kelly Dodd was angry-crying on the phone to Tamra, still mad-sad over the previous weeks’ revelation that Vicki and her man of the moment had double-dated with Kelly’s ex and his new date. Tamra consoled her by telling her that Vicki had clearly violated “the girl code,” though she didn’t cite the chapter and line of said code violation.

But other than that seen it was a dry-eyed ep, with only Shannon getting teary-eyed in Mexico when she got to drinkin’, and then a-thinkin’, about how her husband had cheated on her, divorced her, and then found a new lady two decades younger than here. Heck, I might cry too over that business.

Drinks: 20 rounds?!

Truly, I lost count somewhere during Tamra, Shannon and Vicki’s lost weekend in P.V. There were shots of tequila in the airport, shots of tequila in the hotel, shots of tequila in a bar where the waitress juggles your breasts after you slam the shot down – maybe it helps the tequila settle? – and a bartender blows a whistle.

The morning after Tamra’s naked hot tub escapades, where she was joined only by Shannon, and who would only strip as far as her Spanx, the hungover housewives tried to figure out how many drinks they’d had and more or less failed.

“I’m at 15 right now and we might be missing one or two!” gasped Vicki, who true to her promise to her man did not get “naked wasted” on the trip.

Falling down: 2 times

Shannon oh so thoughtfully greeted Vicki and Tamra, who’d come on a later flight, at the airport with shots of tequila and culturally appropriated Mexican hats, the combination of which – shots followed by bumping brims, which sounds dirty but isn’t – caused Vicki, the

queen of falls, and Shannon to hit the floor, tequila shot glasses a-shatterin’.

Inappropriate behavior: 7?

I lost count somewhere in Tamra’s parade of nudity. The guy blurring out her bits and bobs really earned his paycheck this episode. But other than that, the main bit of inappropriate behavior came when Kelly decided to unload her feelings about her ex and Vicki’s “betrayal” to her tween daughter, whose father is the ex.

“Having her by my side is like having a mini-psychiatrist,” Kelly declared, to which we say, “No, girl, pay for your own shrink or you’ll be paying for the kid’s for years to come.”

Swearing: 10 times

Hard to pick a favorite in this category. Was it Kelly telling Tamra of Vicki, “I’d like to smack the holy (bleep) out of her,” perhaps. Or was it Tamra, telling Shannon or Vicki as they tried to help her in her cast down to the beach, “Your hand is in my (deepest recess of the butt that so drunkenly was on display just hours before).” I’ll have another shot of tequila and let you know.

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