Let’s make a deal by a columnist to be named later: Doug McIntyre

The Major League Baseball trading deadline has come and gone and the biggest deals where the ones that weren’t made. All that gas bagging about big name pitchers coming to the Dodgers and Angeles ended up as so much hot air, with the Blue Crew adding veteran infielder, Jedd Gyorko, pronounced Jerk-o, I swear, and Jeffrey Abreu.

The Halos – even more desperate for pitching than the Dodgers – snagged their third catcher, Max Stassi. Maybe they thought if they couldn’t get an actual pitcher they’d get somebody who plays near a pitcher?

Now, if you’re wondering why I’m prattling on about a couple of minor roster moves that have excited no one, not even the players involved, I’ve done so to make the following modest proposal: why should sports teams be the only area in American life where trades happen?

No other employers can swap employees like they are Beanie Babies or Star Wars collectables. Baseball and basketball contracts routinely give team owners the right to ship an employee to their competitors in another city. It’s as if a CVS in Orange County could trade a pharmacist to a Walgreens in Muncie, Indiana for two cashiers and the kid who retrieves the shopping carts from the parking lot. Lots of people are transferred by the employers from one location to the other, but the idea that you have no choice but to go, and suddenly you’re working for the enemy is unique to sports. I think we need to consider trades outside the realm of sports.

Last week, I wrote about the ruin that comes from one party rule. A political trading deadline might be just what America needs.

Think about it; what if Los Angeles could swap its M.I.A. mayor Eric Garcetti, for New York’s Bill DeBlasio? DeBlasio is very unpopular at home and a change of scenery might do him some good. Meanwhile, those of us wondering where the hell Garcetti is hiding while every problem in his City worsens would know exactly where DeBlasio is, Iowa. Or New Hampshire. How much damage to Los Angeles can he do from there?

Baseball teams are always looking for balance, the proper mix of right-handed and left-handed pitchers and hitters. In California, we have a glut of lefties. Why not work out a deal with Alabama or Oklahoma or one of the very red states? We can ship a couple of plastic-straw-banning, carbon tax promoting, cis-gendered, mandatory marijuana smoking state assemblymen (or should that be “Persons of Assembly?”) in exchange for a couple of evangelical, snake handling, NRA members in bed with Big Oil and Big Tobacco. Voila, diversity!

Politicians always talk about how the other half lives. Let’s send them there.

I don’t know how much California’s Gov. Gavin Newsom is worth on the open market, but he’s young and has a bright future despite his current struggles. Okay, Newsom is having a worse year than the Dodger bullpen. So, why not put together a package for Massachusetts Gov. Charlie Baker? Baker is a center-left Republican popular with ultra-liberal Bay Staters. We’d probably have to throw in California state Senate president pro-tempore Toni Atkins, insurance commissioner Ricardo Laura and two or three back-bench state assemblymen, but if Massachusetts goes for it, the Golden State scores the most effective governor in America. Think big, California. Think big!

Since the normal channels of government have obviously failed to solve our problems (while creating some new ones) we need to be as creative as professional sports teams to find solutions.

A minor league hockey club once traded a player named Tom Martin for a bus. Hall of Fame pitcher Lefty Grove was traded to Baltimore for an outfield fence, while Tim Fortusno was dealt to a rival team for $2,500 and a bag of balls. Then, famously, in the 1970s, Yankees pitchers Mike Keckage and Fritz Peterson swapped families; wives and children, even their dogs! So, why can’t California ship, say, our homeless to one of the low population states? North Dakota or West Carolina or one of those places we’re never going needs people and we have too many people. It’s a win/win. The best trade is the one that helps both teams.

We might even be able to swap expensive embarrassments with other states. Just imagine, California could ship Jerry Brown’s crazy train to Alabama for their $5.4 billion boondoggle “Northern Beltline” highway project. Granted, the Alabama highway is not expected to be finished until 2054, 20 years longer than California’s so-called high-speed rail line, but what we lose in time we make up in billions saved. I’m just spit-balling here. But you get the idea.

Of course, the downside is if my big idea takes hold, I run the risk of coming to work only to find this newspaper has traded me to the “Uzbekistan Daily Bugle” for a cub reporter and two goats to be named later. Still, nothing ventured nothing gained.

Doug McIntyre’s column appears Sundays. He can be reached at: Doug@DougMcIntyre.com.

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